i hadn't heard anything during the interim, so the morning of day three i shot the vendor a text asking if he figured out when/how he was going to complete his task. at that time he still had plans to complete it, so i thought to provide various encouragements throughout the day. rewards that were to come for a job well done. by the time my eight hour shift came & went, there was no word from the vendor.
later, David asked how it went. i replied that apparently i'm not a good Domme because the vendor didn't do as i asked or instructed. he told me that the test of my worthiness as a Domme is not in whether they comply, but how i get them to comply after they have not. wise words, but i was completely at a loss as to how to make that happen. i understand how David proceeds (with me at least) - he makes me realize that the only one i am truly hurting is myself.
David said, ask him if there was a misunderstanding about what he was supposed to do and when those tasks were to be completed. the question made sense and it wasn't rude. if i was in the vendor's shoes, that question would make me feel very contrite and willing do anything to appease my dom. but still i felt awkward because this whole role reversal felt so unnatural. i could have said, "where's my pic?" but that sounded a little crass. truth be told, i felt more than a little foolish & silly trying to be something i am not. having a sexually assertive personality is not necessarily a Domme make.
this started off as fun play but his lack of response left me feeling frustrated and discombobulated. after all, being a FemDom does absolutely nothing for me. i re-examined our conversations, there was no way i could have misread the direction in which his preferences lie. i had issues with questioning the vendor, asking him for his task, makes me feel like i'm begging. i don’t beg well on a submissive level, let alone a dominant one. David pointed out that asking for compliance is not begging. asking means, we had a conversation, i asked him to do something, and i have a legit question as to why i have not received a response.
then i thought - hell, it very well could be a test. who hasn't heard of a sub testing a dom just to see how much they can get away with? i had myself quite worked up into a confused tizzy and was just about to ignore the whole thing when David said, "aren't you the one who goes apeshit bitchy with people who don't follow up?" oy... ugh... yeah, yeah.
so i texted the vendor asking if he had forgotten about the task and received a quick response with "no. no privacy today." my temper flared at that little ditty. he had three days to complete and he says "no privacy today". wtf, but i kept calm and said, "i would have though you would tell me in advance if there was something hindering your ability to complete your task. when do you think you will have privacy?" i giggled after i sent it, telling David, i felt like him. David and i finished our chat, but i never did hear back from the vendor that night.
the next morning i told David that i still hadn't heard from the vendor. he told me i should continue to press for a response. when i asked how, he asked me if he would ever let me slough off and ignore something he asked for? be persistent. of course David is much more patient that i will ever be. my conundrum, was it important enough to pursue at the risk of creating an upset between the two of us?
my feelings toward the vendor at the time were in a constant state of flux. i was very aggravated, because i hate inconsistency. i was told, either persist and get a satisfactory answer, or actively end it. (when i am asked to do something i am looking for opportunities to fulfill my obligations, not reasons why i shouldn't. i do it because i want to please and do what is asked of me. it's difficult for me to fathom someone who has submissive inclinations not wanting to please. i don't even know why i was getting so upset. i loved talking to the vendor, miss him when he's not around, but i could never see myself in a long term relationship with him other than as a fuck buddy. it all goes back to a long standing issue i have, it is my pet peeve. if i ask something of you, or you tell me you are going to do something... follow through and do it. if you are hesitant when the subject comes up, then tell me no. i am okay with the answer no, but don't say yes and then not follow through.)
what aggravated me the most was that i was doing this for the vendor. i was trying to be something i am not, going completely against my nature, to try and help the him find his path in the sense because he always states he's unsure. i red-lined into bitch mode at that point, with David trying to talk me down from the ledge. after a few healing breaths, i texted the vendor asking if he had a second to answer a question. he asked what was up. i was fuming and he was acting like he had no clue. i texted back asking if he wanted to continue with the task.
the vendor's response, "geez, i thought you were being serious. yes. riding soon. send you a pic later dream girl."
i was lost, confused, and literally crying on David's shoulders because i didn't know what the hell was going on, and i didn't know what the vendor wanted from me. he does, he doesn’t, he does., etc. i hate trying to figure it out. after relaying the text conversation to David, he told me to tell the vendor "this thing seems to be more trouble than it's worth, lets just forget it and move on."
so much for my little foray into the dom world. the only thing i wanted to take a long shower to slough off the dom skin, and cuddle in David's arms. later that same afternoon, the vendor ended up sending me the promised pic. however it wasn't sent in the context which was asked for and only sent after i pushed. it was just a picture of a dick, not documentation of what i hoped to be a memorable event.
in the days that followed, David and i have discussed this experiment at some length. i believe what made it so difficult for me was that the vendor seemed receptive to this experiment, so i was willing to try. that it wasn't that important to him hurt - especially since i went wayyyyy out of my comfort zone, going completely out of my element for him. but i suppose that's what happen when someone doesn't understand enough about bdsm to realize just what i tried to do.
it was good in theory, but left me with a bad taste in my mouth. so this experiment ended in a shambles. i didn't like how it made me feel, making me want to curl up in a blanket until the icky feeling went away. it's skewed my thoughts of the vendor too, which were always light, fluff, & fun. the exercise was meant to be somewhat serious, and that i was treated so nonchalantly, gave me a very good indication of where i stood. i thought the vendor and i had a better relationship than that.
maybe the experiment was doomed from the beginning - the blind leading the blind and all. there were a couple good lessons i learned from all this. 1) just how far i'm willing to go for someone i care about; 2) its made me realize how the other side might feel when i haven't obeyed. i do not intend my current or future dom(s) to feel the same disappointment i felt with the vendor.
*note: in the weeks that have followed, the vendor and i are on the same friendly terms when we do talk, but our contact has diminished quite a bit. i doubt he will be mentioned here again.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
